18th Ramadan.

 This feels so much like going back home after being away for ages. God, I really missed this.

 You're probably curious if anything new had happened..If anything had changed....If I had changed. Well, so many things happened. So many things have changed And Yes, I've changed as well.

 I'm  18 now, recently finished high school (Twjihi) and currently waiting for the results. Funny enough, I'm not nervous at all. In fact, it's like I was never a student and I had never been to school. It's Ramadan now (well was Ramadan, as this might be the last day of the month). Without a doubt, Ramadan is my favorite month. I was looking forward for it to finally arrive but something weird and vague was surrounding this Ramadan. I don't know honestly, I haven't  experienced  spiritualities as I usually have each Ramadan. Does the problem lie in me or in this month? I absolutely have no idea.

However, I've done some pretty new and cool things this Ramadan I have never done. I volunteered with a local institution that held 3 events weekly for less fortunate children to have fun, play, eat and meet new people. It was an amazing  experience and I'm  definitely going to do it again next year. Drawing smiles on people's faces has always and will always be a source of pleasure to me. And this year, seeing all these kids smile, laugh and have fun made feel really pleased.

I've also joined a book club. It's not the boring kind of book clubs, this one is different. Consequently, I'm more into reading now. And recently, I've finished reading an amazing book called The Theory of Everything by Stephen Hawking. It merely talked about the universe, space, black holes, physics and time which all are my favorite subjects.

 I've met so many great people and have made lots of new friends in these past 2 months or so. Some old friendships have gotten stronger  while others have faded away. You know what they say: ' You win some, you lose some'. This time however, I've gained more than I have lost.

 This might seem all great,and it is, yet a strange feeling has been living inside me for a while. Huh. How funny I used that metaphor, I didn't intend to write it but it seems that my subconscious already knew what I was about to say and what my problem was.

I feel like I am hollow. Empty from the inside. Like a balloon or a ball filled with nothing but air. And I absolutely don't know where all this uneasiness and negativity come from. Everybody is starting to notice that I've been really weird lately, much more quite and so vague. I swear to god I do not know what is going on with me. And this is driving me crazy! How could you feel such things as melancholy and emptiness and not know why!? It really is irritating, as I am losing confidence day after day. Hopefully though, things will get better and change. I don't know how or when, but something tells me they will.

 The world now is on crisis. Gaza has been under attack and been facing bombing for weeks now. Hundreds were killed and thousands of innocents were injured. This massacre needs to be stopped. Global justice has to be restored. May god be with and help Gaza.

 I feel so much better now writing things that have been wandering my mind. I will certainly write more often.

Until next time.
Izz

27/7/2014  

It's Been a While.

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been extremely busy lately.

Finals are approaching and I must prepare myself in order to "ACE" them.

Yet studying isn't the only reason why I haven't posted recently, it is also because honestly i didn't have anything in  mind to share. And I was busy wasting my time on social networks. I should cut down on Internet for a while and concentrate on much important things to do.

Few things have changed by the way. I now consider two people as my "Best"friends, I confronted N and now our relationship is better and somehow I feel smarter. How smarter? I don't know!

Yet, I've been having some confidence issues lately. I just don't feel as confident or motivated as I used to. Hopefully, something will change that soon.

I can't wait for July! I'm gonna spend summer just catching up what I've missed, watching every single movie I feel like watching.

I'm working on my vocabulary treasure as well. I'm trying to enrich it by learning new words and collocations daily. I find myself checking the dictionary more frequently. It actually does cause some stress and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and other times I get that sensation that I had forgotten everything and do not know what 'Car' means.

Anyhow, I just saw that this blog's views has just hit 160, most of them are from Jordan. It's not a huge number but it's awesome. Hopefully, the number will grow gradually.



Until next time

Izz

4/28/2014

Powerful Beyond Measure

We all seek the same things.  Fame, glory, popularity, money and happiness, things we all want, and even if you deny it, you still do search about those things. Oh and of course we can’t forget LOVE.

The path I walk in is starting to get brighter. As everyday something or someone light a candle, illuminating the way. Even when I thought candles were being blown off, others were being lightened.

The golden rule is starting to shine, the secret of life, maybe that’s what I was looking for all this time. I think I’m starting to understand how things work, how life works.

In order to be loved, you first need to love a special person, which is yourself. That’s right, if you don’t love, and I mean really love, yourself, how do you expect people to love you? When you don’t believe in yourself, how come they can believe in you?

Nelson Mandela said something really powerful I am going to paraphrase:  Our deepest fear is that not we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us the most. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be gorgeous, famous, talented and popular? Actually, who are we not to be? There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give permission to others to do so. As we liberate ourselves from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

And Note to self and to whoever is reading this: Remember this. Mark my words because truly, you are amazing.

If life isn’t about doing whatever makes you happy, then it’s not a life worth living.

I believe I can do anything I want. I am the architect of my own life. From now on, I Am A Top Priority.

Izz

28/Mar/2014

12:40 pm 

Friends

So many questions have been haunting me recently. The majority of them start with “why” but the most important one to ask is: “Am I a good person?”

Why isn’t there anyone who considers me a “best friend”?  I sure have many friends and even some close ones but none of which consider me a best friend.  Is it my fault? What am I doing wrongly?

I really tried hard to be a “best friend” for  few people. But every time, instead of becoming a best buddy , I fall directly into the “just” friend zone. Some of the people who I almost considered them a best friend ended up showing me that we are just ordinary friends. Nothing more , and nothing less.

Here are some stories:

N is an amazing person. As a matter of fact he even might be the best person I’ve met in school so far. And despite how much fun we have and how close we actually are, he prefers J, another friend of ours, over me. He always talks about J, laugh with him, and say he is the best friend he ever had. Yet J is not doing anything special. J isn’t a bad guy, but he doesn’t treat N the way I do. Even N says : “ Dude, we are really close friends, but J is special”. The worst part is that when we are together, the three of us, they totally forget about me and ignore me. Sometimes I think that N uses me as a backup plan when he fights and argues with J , which they do often. I am not jealous at all, I’m just hurt… and sad.

Another example is my relationship with S. Again, S is also an amazing person who I met outside school. S and I used to be really close. We would laugh with each other, talk for countless hours, share secrets, stalk people and rarely , have some serious talks. But recently, something changed. We almost don’t talk to each other anymore and we are not what we used to be. The last time I spoke to him I asked “ What are we?” he replied: “friends”  “just friends?”  “yes. Just friends” . And we haven’t talked ever since. There is no reason why things changed, earlier he once told me “ You are my best friend” but even then , somehow he never acted like he meant it.

Another failure is me and H. which again ended up badly that we barely know each other now.

Even though I am surrounded by many people, I am alone. Perhaps it is really my fault. Perhaps my definition of “best friend” is totally wrong. And maybe, the person who knows every single thing about you, the person who knows about every thought you have, the person that truly consider you the best person he had ever met, is just a MYTH.

Perhaps someday I’ll find that special person. Or I won’t.

All I know is one thing, depression is killing me.

Izz

The living dead.

 Recently, I've been thinking a lot about death. NO, not  committing suicide or kill myself, but about what am I leaving when I am done here. 

Like If I vanished or disappeared , how would people react? How would they remember me? And when I die, how long would it take until someone say my name for the last time?

The answers depends on my picture in people's minds, how they see me and what they think about me. And that's a part of the problem. I don't have any clue about what people think of me. But from what I see and hear day after day, people don't seem to love me. I am not saying I am hated, just disliked or Just not loved.

The thing is, I don't why. I don't even know why I think like this. A "friend" of mine already thinks that this " I am hated " Idea is  ridiculous and childish. But if it isn't true, why do I feel such things?

Yes, I do want to become famous. I do want to become popular and loved by everybody. But what I want the most, is to be REMEMBERED dead and alive. But we just don't always get what we want do we?

 Currently, I am not happy. And I'm not sad either. I'm neither optimistic nor  pessimistic. I'm just .... nothing. Totally numb.

I even lost track of time. Seriously. It feels like I am not alive anymore. Don't ask me why or how, it's just every thing that happens, feels like it have never happened. I have a trouble recalling a thing that even happened five minutes ago.

 In the past few days, I concluded that my mind had become addicted to depression, sadness, negativity,  anxiety and even to the thought that I might actually have psychological issue.

I finished reading my current favorite book last week, The Da Vinci Code. As I said earlier, it is one hell out of a book written by a genius. Now , I have officially read 4 books in 2014 and a total of 8 from 2012 till now. It is an achievement you know, I was a person who never liked reading but now I am an addict. I am proud.

I don't hate people. And most  definitely I do not hate myself. Hopefully, when I read this in the future, I will laugh really hard that my eyes will pop out.

Song: Leave out all the rest- linkin Park (the most amazing song in history!)

See ya 

Izz

21/MAR/2014

9:23 pm

P.S : This was written after "Friends". Just so you know.

 

Rain.

Sitting by the window and looking at the rain drove a sudden realization into my mind : how blessed we are!

We keep wining and complaining about things we don't like, don't have, illnesses, people... life in general. But we tend to forget how really blessed we are for having all these things we have, how blessed we are for having amazing and gorgeous people in our lives, how healthy we actually are, how smart we are and so many other things.
Instead of  being  ungrateful, we should be thankful. We should thank our god for everything he has given us.

It's been a while, I know, But I haven't had much free time recently. Things MIGHT have started to become better. I study harder now. tensions in school started to fade out and I am semi-happy. So things are good all in all.

We -my family and I- spent the last weekend at Aqaba. Few days that I really enjoyed! The weather was really great and we had tons of fun! It was awesome .

During the road trip, I was reading "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown. What a book! What a writer! I'm in love with that novel. It is one hell out of a book! Can't wait to finish it.

There isn't much in mind to share with you. I hope future posts will be much more interesting and story-full.
I might actually start another blog where I'll share articles that I have written. As soon as I can Inshallah.

I miss talking to some of my friends. Hope to catch up soon.




Song of the week: Wake me Up

Advice: Just Smile!


Until next time
Izz

12/MAR/2014
11:20 pm

94.8

So finally the scores of the winter semester were published on Sunday. And I got 94.8! Although it is really really good I'm not satisfied. Yes, comparing to many many other students my scores are good but I was really hoping and expecting more. Yet I'm very happy and proud of what I have  achieved.

Across the country the scores weren't good in general. Many have failed in subjects like Maths, Physics and English. So some of my friends have failed badly, some passed but got when others got some really good scores like me! Half of my classmates have failed and three of them got some good marks but I got the highest. And somehow some of them are treating me  differently.

It's like It's my fault that they got bad grades. They act out like I should've had failed. It is annoying a little but I won't let anybody control me or even decide how do I live my life.

Regardless of the stress, It was an awesome week! We had a party on Monday and many people came !

I have changed a bit. Although it has been a week but I think I'm starting to get the bigger picture of life.

I am so proud of my 94.8 but I should double the effort in order to achieve more. And to whoever is reading this : Do your best. Not because you should but simply because you CAN!

Song of the Week : Jadal-Ana Bkhaf men el Commitment.

Until next time...
Izz

19/Feb/2014
8:44pm

A Lucid Dream.

Uh I know. I said this will be weekly but I feel like I should write whenever I have time. I believe this will get better over time.

Last night I finally had a lucid dream. But ,I wish it didn’t happen. I experienced 6 false awakenings in a row. It’s not cool at all. When I finally woke up at 12:00 am, I was still doubting that this world is real. This thing is totally not good for mind. I’m really exhausted because of it now. But I’ll get over it.

I go to school now but I’m not really in the “MOOD” to learn anything. I’m not really nervous about the scores but I really want to know mine. Still couldn’t figure out what should I study, But I am thinking of astrophysics or astronomy. I’m in love with outer space and the universe!

Currently, I am isolating myself from everybody..people other than my family because I can’t avoid them. I don’t know why, I’m not mad at anyone but I feel really anxious! I think I need time for myself to reevaluate things in my life in general.

Who am I? Do I even know the answer? Does anybody truly know? I feel that there are more than one me. There is a “me” who talks to people online but most of times when I read what he sent I feel like: “this is totally not me! “ And :”Why the heck did I write this?”. Common issue I know. The next “me” is the me who goes to school and hangs around with friends, and Again in many times this is not me either, like seriously! And we have the “me” who is currently writing this. I’m not sure ,in fact not sure at all, but I feel this is the real "me", or at least  the one who is closest to my mentality. I might not be sure of who I really am but one thing I am sure of is : “nobody sees me in the same way. Nobody knows who I really am.”

I think I’ll change the way I treat people including the very few people I call friends. But as I said, I currently need to reevaluate things in  my life.

My teacher told me something nice today :” There is something really mysterious in you but It’s beautiful! This strangeness makes your personality attractive somehow. Whatever happens , do your best ! “

Song of the week : The starting line—The World.

Until next time.

Izz

11/FEB/2014

5:01 pm

First Post?!

This is probably my fifth try of writing such thing.I once Blogged but I believe that my old blog was just childish,but it was still a nice try.I tried several times to write a diary but I found out it wasn't really my thing.
The other day I wondered: "Why do people write diaries?".I didn't have any idea why,I mean nobody reads them but the writer and usually they never get published or released to public either.Then an idea crossed my mind.."I think I should write a diary.It would be nice if people knew about my life after years and years or after my death.I think I should even make it a book!".So I told my friend about it,she told me it would be a good thing and really cool.But she told me "Make it interesting!".
So this is not a diary as much of thoughts and things that come up to my mind actually.I'll be posting weekly not daily due to my full time, and also to have the chance to generate some awesome thoughts!
I'm mainly writing this for me to read in the future(far future I hope)and to people who are interested.Who knows!?when I become famous people might actually want to read this.

Currently I'm a high school senior(12th grade, Tawjihi). I recently finished the first semester and currently waiting for scores to come out.I'm not as nervous as mom for sure or even the rest of the population, I'm just really feel cool about it and hopefully waiting.
Nowadays I'm trying to figure out what I want to become after School and what should I study.It's really taking time and effort but yet wasn't able to make up my mind.I hope I find out soon.
I'm currently re-reading a book ,"The Secret" which is an awesome book who teaches you about your mind and feelings and how strong you are.And yes I think I finally started to get into reading.Yaay!
You are the only one who can make yourself happy.And you are capable of doing and becoming anything only when you believe in yourself and that you just simply can do it.

Until next time,
Izz


9/Feb/2014
6:57 pm