A Girl

Why doesn’t everything good last forever?

I mean, I just recently heard that Laila is moving to another university. Already? I mean, c’mon! There are still a lot of things we haven’t done!  A hundred arguments yet to be initiated, Countless ways of teasing you that I haven’t got the chance to use, many topics to talk about, and perhaps, a few or more confessions to make.

I met “Laila” a few months ago but I’ve noticed her earlier on the internet. She is interesting. How interesting? Well, first she is smart, not a nerd but smart. She is bit twisted, not so much that makes her a psychopath but enough to get my attention. Only a smurf would consider her tall and it pisses her off when someone’s making fun of her height.  She is cute, not Avril Lavigne cute but in her own way.

Our relationship sat off quite well. First she was extremely nice to me. Like I remember that time when i posted on Facebook that I have no special talents. She immediately commented with very supportive words, a gesture that I admired. We used to talk for hours and hours and I really liked that. We were soon good friends in real life too.

Yet, good things don’t seem to last an eternity. Everything changed suddenly. We didn’t talk at all. We merely ignored each other entirely. Yet every now and then, she would do something to tease me off and I’d do the same, which seemed quite exciting at the time.

We are a lot alike. What I know is that I really liked her. Yes , past tense . Because whatever she was trying to do, what she did made my feelings diminish until they have vanished. On the other hand, she did inspire me to rise to the next level , and for that I give her my thanks.

 I believe she did a great job grabbing my attention and I was certainly attached. Perhaps I still am. Maybe that’s why when I heard she’s moving I was shocked and a bit sad. Yet that’s life. Things come and go. I enjoyed almost every moment around her. I enjoyed every part of our tiny journey even when I didn’t seem like it.

To Laila, If you haven’t known already,   I really liked you, in fact I still kind of do while I’m typing this. And as much as I believe that you owe me an apology, I think I owe you one. I’m sorry.  I really hope that our paths cross again. But if they don’t, just know that it was good while it lasted.

Best of Luck

Izz

25-4

This is weird, I’ve got to admit. Everything’s been so weird recently. I haven’t been feeling really good about myself, it seems that something is missing but I have no grasp on what that could be.

Why shouldn’t I feel like that? I’ve changed dramatically from last year. I barely even recognize myself anymore. Now that I study medicine I hardly have any free time to do the things I used to do. It’s been ages since I last hung out with friends not just because I don’t have as many as I had before but also because “I can’t. I have to study.”

I barely read as well. The last thing I read was so long ago that I can’t precisely remember when. I’m away from my family because I don’t see them adequately since I moved to Irbid, and even when I go home for the weekend I don’t spend so much time with them because ,again, “I have to study”.

I don’t do any sports. I don’t watch TV anymore. And I only watch a movie every couple of months or so. I loathe this, seriously! It’s like everything that used to resemble me has vanished.

Even my attitude has changed. But unlike everything else, I don’t think that was as dramatic.

To be fair, medicine has its perks. I can’t picture myself studying anything else (other than astrophysics, of course.) it’s tough but somehow exquisite. It requires endless hours of studying and consumes the majority of your mental capacity yet it has its own unique taste.

I’m not being paradoxical, I really like medicine. It’s just that I really wish I could do everything at once. Why can’t I study and get really good marks while still being able to read, have fun and meet new people? Why can’t I do everything that I longed to do ever since I was a child and still graduate as a fine doctor?

I really want to continue on doing this but I don’t want to be absorbed by this so much that I forget the person I was. The man I really am. I want to be myself.

This isn’t a diary, I suppose, but merely a place to pour some of the thoughts lurking in that big skull of mine.

Competition

I feel it’s been years since I’ve last written something. It feels a bit strange now, why would I write all what I have in mind and share it? Why wouldn’t I??

I absolutely have no idea what I have written the last time and when precisely was that. So here are some updates: I am a Med Student now, almost finished the first semester. And I’ve got to say, it really is exhausting for the mind and the body, and I haven’t even started yet! I got my first F which was in chemistry. I’m less active socially, mainly because I don’t have time to hang out and enjoy my life much. It might seems bad (and I guess it might be) but there’s still a bright side for all of this. I’ve met a lot of smart and intelligent people and I’ve made some really good friends, so that might compensate for some of the trouble.

Aside from University, I haven’t been doing much. I joined a students’ organization called AIESIC (Still not sure about the spelling though). I’ve attended some meetings but still haven’t had the opportunity to actually “do” something. This organization is all about world peace and fulfillment of the human kind’s potential. Its people are amazing.

I’ve lost nearly all contact with my friends from outside of the University, even those who I dared to address as my “Best friends” (who have become 2 now).

A question that has been lurking inside of my head for a while, Should I consider myself my only competition? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I am an egocentric who thinks he’s better than everybody, but rather because I’ve been trying to compete with so many people and it’s not helpful at all. In the past, I’d always ignored what others have achieved and never actually had been jealous from anyone about anything, and to be honest, it fruited pretty well. I know I’m not the only person alive and I know that I should look at what people achieve nowadays to know where I actually stand in the ladder of evolution and to get motivated. Or shouldn’t I? Should I stop caring about other’s completely and never ever compare myself to anyone?  Maybe. Who knows? Do you?

1-25-2015

Purpose

Here I am. 19 years old soon to be 20. Saying that we begin to fully observe the world around us and conceive meaningful thoughts about ourselves and environment about the age of 6 , and our consciousness develops at the same age approximately, that leaves me with 13-14 years to figure out what the purpose of my existence is. 13 years and I don't have the slightest grasp .

How should I know anyway? I mean, ever since I was young I've been told by people all sorts of things, "We were created to worship god." "We are just here to rebuild god's land." to me , I never quite understood what that meant. My whole existence is revolving around worshiping a god that doesn't even need me? But there are billions of us! this can't be my only purpose. 

Perhaps I was destined to become a doctor , since I  am already a med student , so that I can help many people in the future and save as many as lives as possible. Well that's pretty noble. But is that it? Just that? It can't be. It has to be something different. something special. After all, I am special. Or am I? 

I frankly don't know. I can't even make up my mind concerning this life-consuming conundrum . Is the purpose of life to live happily ever after or to give the world something, like Einstien, Newton and all those great minds, so that my name shall never be forgotten? Is it fame? Dignity and Goodness? Happiness? But if I choose happiness, wouldn't that be so Narcissistic of me? Does it really matter to benefit the public ? To change the world? To have your name carved into the eternal stone of time for all the achievements you've made? 

Perhaps it's all. Perhaps it's none. Everyone looks at it from a different angle and no two shall agree on the same answer. But what's my answer ? How do I even begin to construct one? 

Wait, Should we even try to draw our lives upon a purpose in the first place? Can't we just be? Live aimless until our last exhale? That's what most people are doing. All the special throughout history seemed to have a purpose. I know that I'm not a "most people" and that I am very special. That's why I'll seek until I find. But I fear that someday I will come to realize that you create your own goal, and fail to determine mine. Isn't that what's already happening ?

" If you can't get be what you want, you learn to be the things you're not."  - Passenger

18th Ramadan.

 This feels so much like going back home after being away for ages. God, I really missed this.

 You're probably curious if anything new had happened..If anything had changed....If I had changed. Well, so many things happened. So many things have changed And Yes, I've changed as well.

 I'm  18 now, recently finished high school (Twjihi) and currently waiting for the results. Funny enough, I'm not nervous at all. In fact, it's like I was never a student and I had never been to school. It's Ramadan now (well was Ramadan, as this might be the last day of the month). Without a doubt, Ramadan is my favorite month. I was looking forward for it to finally arrive but something weird and vague was surrounding this Ramadan. I don't know honestly, I haven't  experienced  spiritualities as I usually have each Ramadan. Does the problem lie in me or in this month? I absolutely have no idea.

However, I've done some pretty new and cool things this Ramadan I have never done. I volunteered with a local institution that held 3 events weekly for less fortunate children to have fun, play, eat and meet new people. It was an amazing  experience and I'm  definitely going to do it again next year. Drawing smiles on people's faces has always and will always be a source of pleasure to me. And this year, seeing all these kids smile, laugh and have fun made feel really pleased.

I've also joined a book club. It's not the boring kind of book clubs, this one is different. Consequently, I'm more into reading now. And recently, I've finished reading an amazing book called The Theory of Everything by Stephen Hawking. It merely talked about the universe, space, black holes, physics and time which all are my favorite subjects.

 I've met so many great people and have made lots of new friends in these past 2 months or so. Some old friendships have gotten stronger  while others have faded away. You know what they say: ' You win some, you lose some'. This time however, I've gained more than I have lost.

 This might seem all great,and it is, yet a strange feeling has been living inside me for a while. Huh. How funny I used that metaphor, I didn't intend to write it but it seems that my subconscious already knew what I was about to say and what my problem was.

I feel like I am hollow. Empty from the inside. Like a balloon or a ball filled with nothing but air. And I absolutely don't know where all this uneasiness and negativity come from. Everybody is starting to notice that I've been really weird lately, much more quite and so vague. I swear to god I do not know what is going on with me. And this is driving me crazy! How could you feel such things as melancholy and emptiness and not know why!? It really is irritating, as I am losing confidence day after day. Hopefully though, things will get better and change. I don't know how or when, but something tells me they will.

 The world now is on crisis. Gaza has been under attack and been facing bombing for weeks now. Hundreds were killed and thousands of innocents were injured. This massacre needs to be stopped. Global justice has to be restored. May god be with and help Gaza.

 I feel so much better now writing things that have been wandering my mind. I will certainly write more often.

Until next time.
Izz

27/7/2014  

It's Been a While.

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been extremely busy lately.

Finals are approaching and I must prepare myself in order to "ACE" them.

Yet studying isn't the only reason why I haven't posted recently, it is also because honestly i didn't have anything in  mind to share. And I was busy wasting my time on social networks. I should cut down on Internet for a while and concentrate on much important things to do.

Few things have changed by the way. I now consider two people as my "Best"friends, I confronted N and now our relationship is better and somehow I feel smarter. How smarter? I don't know!

Yet, I've been having some confidence issues lately. I just don't feel as confident or motivated as I used to. Hopefully, something will change that soon.

I can't wait for July! I'm gonna spend summer just catching up what I've missed, watching every single movie I feel like watching.

I'm working on my vocabulary treasure as well. I'm trying to enrich it by learning new words and collocations daily. I find myself checking the dictionary more frequently. It actually does cause some stress and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and other times I get that sensation that I had forgotten everything and do not know what 'Car' means.

Anyhow, I just saw that this blog's views has just hit 160, most of them are from Jordan. It's not a huge number but it's awesome. Hopefully, the number will grow gradually.



Until next time

Izz

4/28/2014

Powerful Beyond Measure

We all seek the same things.  Fame, glory, popularity, money and happiness, things we all want, and even if you deny it, you still do search about those things. Oh and of course we can’t forget LOVE.

The path I walk in is starting to get brighter. As everyday something or someone light a candle, illuminating the way. Even when I thought candles were being blown off, others were being lightened.

The golden rule is starting to shine, the secret of life, maybe that’s what I was looking for all this time. I think I’m starting to understand how things work, how life works.

In order to be loved, you first need to love a special person, which is yourself. That’s right, if you don’t love, and I mean really love, yourself, how do you expect people to love you? When you don’t believe in yourself, how come they can believe in you?

Nelson Mandela said something really powerful I am going to paraphrase:  Our deepest fear is that not we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us the most. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be gorgeous, famous, talented and popular? Actually, who are we not to be? There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give permission to others to do so. As we liberate ourselves from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

And Note to self and to whoever is reading this: Remember this. Mark my words because truly, you are amazing.

If life isn’t about doing whatever makes you happy, then it’s not a life worth living.

I believe I can do anything I want. I am the architect of my own life. From now on, I Am A Top Priority.

Izz

28/Mar/2014

12:40 pm