25-4

This is weird, I’ve got to admit. Everything’s been so weird recently. I haven’t been feeling really good about myself, it seems that something is missing but I have no grasp on what that could be.

Why shouldn’t I feel like that? I’ve changed dramatically from last year. I barely even recognize myself anymore. Now that I study medicine I hardly have any free time to do the things I used to do. It’s been ages since I last hung out with friends not just because I don’t have as many as I had before but also because “I can’t. I have to study.”

I barely read as well. The last thing I read was so long ago that I can’t precisely remember when. I’m away from my family because I don’t see them adequately since I moved to Irbid, and even when I go home for the weekend I don’t spend so much time with them because ,again, “I have to study”.

I don’t do any sports. I don’t watch TV anymore. And I only watch a movie every couple of months or so. I loathe this, seriously! It’s like everything that used to resemble me has vanished.

Even my attitude has changed. But unlike everything else, I don’t think that was as dramatic.

To be fair, medicine has its perks. I can’t picture myself studying anything else (other than astrophysics, of course.) it’s tough but somehow exquisite. It requires endless hours of studying and consumes the majority of your mental capacity yet it has its own unique taste.

I’m not being paradoxical, I really like medicine. It’s just that I really wish I could do everything at once. Why can’t I study and get really good marks while still being able to read, have fun and meet new people? Why can’t I do everything that I longed to do ever since I was a child and still graduate as a fine doctor?

I really want to continue on doing this but I don’t want to be absorbed by this so much that I forget the person I was. The man I really am. I want to be myself.

This isn’t a diary, I suppose, but merely a place to pour some of the thoughts lurking in that big skull of mine.