Friends

So many questions have been haunting me recently. The majority of them start with “why” but the most important one to ask is: “Am I a good person?”

Why isn’t there anyone who considers me a “best friend”?  I sure have many friends and even some close ones but none of which consider me a best friend.  Is it my fault? What am I doing wrongly?

I really tried hard to be a “best friend” for  few people. But every time, instead of becoming a best buddy , I fall directly into the “just” friend zone. Some of the people who I almost considered them a best friend ended up showing me that we are just ordinary friends. Nothing more , and nothing less.

Here are some stories:

N is an amazing person. As a matter of fact he even might be the best person I’ve met in school so far. And despite how much fun we have and how close we actually are, he prefers J, another friend of ours, over me. He always talks about J, laugh with him, and say he is the best friend he ever had. Yet J is not doing anything special. J isn’t a bad guy, but he doesn’t treat N the way I do. Even N says : “ Dude, we are really close friends, but J is special”. The worst part is that when we are together, the three of us, they totally forget about me and ignore me. Sometimes I think that N uses me as a backup plan when he fights and argues with J , which they do often. I am not jealous at all, I’m just hurt… and sad.

Another example is my relationship with S. Again, S is also an amazing person who I met outside school. S and I used to be really close. We would laugh with each other, talk for countless hours, share secrets, stalk people and rarely , have some serious talks. But recently, something changed. We almost don’t talk to each other anymore and we are not what we used to be. The last time I spoke to him I asked “ What are we?” he replied: “friends”  “just friends?”  “yes. Just friends” . And we haven’t talked ever since. There is no reason why things changed, earlier he once told me “ You are my best friend” but even then , somehow he never acted like he meant it.

Another failure is me and H. which again ended up badly that we barely know each other now.

Even though I am surrounded by many people, I am alone. Perhaps it is really my fault. Perhaps my definition of “best friend” is totally wrong. And maybe, the person who knows every single thing about you, the person who knows about every thought you have, the person that truly consider you the best person he had ever met, is just a MYTH.

Perhaps someday I’ll find that special person. Or I won’t.

All I know is one thing, depression is killing me.

Izz