Powerful Beyond Measure

We all seek the same things.  Fame, glory, popularity, money and happiness, things we all want, and even if you deny it, you still do search about those things. Oh and of course we can’t forget LOVE.

The path I walk in is starting to get brighter. As everyday something or someone light a candle, illuminating the way. Even when I thought candles were being blown off, others were being lightened.

The golden rule is starting to shine, the secret of life, maybe that’s what I was looking for all this time. I think I’m starting to understand how things work, how life works.

In order to be loved, you first need to love a special person, which is yourself. That’s right, if you don’t love, and I mean really love, yourself, how do you expect people to love you? When you don’t believe in yourself, how come they can believe in you?

Nelson Mandela said something really powerful I am going to paraphrase:  Our deepest fear is that not we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us the most. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be gorgeous, famous, talented and popular? Actually, who are we not to be? There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give permission to others to do so. As we liberate ourselves from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

And Note to self and to whoever is reading this: Remember this. Mark my words because truly, you are amazing.

If life isn’t about doing whatever makes you happy, then it’s not a life worth living.

I believe I can do anything I want. I am the architect of my own life. From now on, I Am A Top Priority.

Izz

28/Mar/2014

12:40 pm 

Friends

So many questions have been haunting me recently. The majority of them start with “why” but the most important one to ask is: “Am I a good person?”

Why isn’t there anyone who considers me a “best friend”?  I sure have many friends and even some close ones but none of which consider me a best friend.  Is it my fault? What am I doing wrongly?

I really tried hard to be a “best friend” for  few people. But every time, instead of becoming a best buddy , I fall directly into the “just” friend zone. Some of the people who I almost considered them a best friend ended up showing me that we are just ordinary friends. Nothing more , and nothing less.

Here are some stories:

N is an amazing person. As a matter of fact he even might be the best person I’ve met in school so far. And despite how much fun we have and how close we actually are, he prefers J, another friend of ours, over me. He always talks about J, laugh with him, and say he is the best friend he ever had. Yet J is not doing anything special. J isn’t a bad guy, but he doesn’t treat N the way I do. Even N says : “ Dude, we are really close friends, but J is special”. The worst part is that when we are together, the three of us, they totally forget about me and ignore me. Sometimes I think that N uses me as a backup plan when he fights and argues with J , which they do often. I am not jealous at all, I’m just hurt… and sad.

Another example is my relationship with S. Again, S is also an amazing person who I met outside school. S and I used to be really close. We would laugh with each other, talk for countless hours, share secrets, stalk people and rarely , have some serious talks. But recently, something changed. We almost don’t talk to each other anymore and we are not what we used to be. The last time I spoke to him I asked “ What are we?” he replied: “friends”  “just friends?”  “yes. Just friends” . And we haven’t talked ever since. There is no reason why things changed, earlier he once told me “ You are my best friend” but even then , somehow he never acted like he meant it.

Another failure is me and H. which again ended up badly that we barely know each other now.

Even though I am surrounded by many people, I am alone. Perhaps it is really my fault. Perhaps my definition of “best friend” is totally wrong. And maybe, the person who knows every single thing about you, the person who knows about every thought you have, the person that truly consider you the best person he had ever met, is just a MYTH.

Perhaps someday I’ll find that special person. Or I won’t.

All I know is one thing, depression is killing me.

Izz

The living dead.

 Recently, I've been thinking a lot about death. NO, not  committing suicide or kill myself, but about what am I leaving when I am done here. 

Like If I vanished or disappeared , how would people react? How would they remember me? And when I die, how long would it take until someone say my name for the last time?

The answers depends on my picture in people's minds, how they see me and what they think about me. And that's a part of the problem. I don't have any clue about what people think of me. But from what I see and hear day after day, people don't seem to love me. I am not saying I am hated, just disliked or Just not loved.

The thing is, I don't why. I don't even know why I think like this. A "friend" of mine already thinks that this " I am hated " Idea is  ridiculous and childish. But if it isn't true, why do I feel such things?

Yes, I do want to become famous. I do want to become popular and loved by everybody. But what I want the most, is to be REMEMBERED dead and alive. But we just don't always get what we want do we?

 Currently, I am not happy. And I'm not sad either. I'm neither optimistic nor  pessimistic. I'm just .... nothing. Totally numb.

I even lost track of time. Seriously. It feels like I am not alive anymore. Don't ask me why or how, it's just every thing that happens, feels like it have never happened. I have a trouble recalling a thing that even happened five minutes ago.

 In the past few days, I concluded that my mind had become addicted to depression, sadness, negativity,  anxiety and even to the thought that I might actually have psychological issue.

I finished reading my current favorite book last week, The Da Vinci Code. As I said earlier, it is one hell out of a book written by a genius. Now , I have officially read 4 books in 2014 and a total of 8 from 2012 till now. It is an achievement you know, I was a person who never liked reading but now I am an addict. I am proud.

I don't hate people. And most  definitely I do not hate myself. Hopefully, when I read this in the future, I will laugh really hard that my eyes will pop out.

Song: Leave out all the rest- linkin Park (the most amazing song in history!)

See ya 

Izz

21/MAR/2014

9:23 pm

P.S : This was written after "Friends". Just so you know.

 

Rain.

Sitting by the window and looking at the rain drove a sudden realization into my mind : how blessed we are!

We keep wining and complaining about things we don't like, don't have, illnesses, people... life in general. But we tend to forget how really blessed we are for having all these things we have, how blessed we are for having amazing and gorgeous people in our lives, how healthy we actually are, how smart we are and so many other things.
Instead of  being  ungrateful, we should be thankful. We should thank our god for everything he has given us.

It's been a while, I know, But I haven't had much free time recently. Things MIGHT have started to become better. I study harder now. tensions in school started to fade out and I am semi-happy. So things are good all in all.

We -my family and I- spent the last weekend at Aqaba. Few days that I really enjoyed! The weather was really great and we had tons of fun! It was awesome .

During the road trip, I was reading "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown. What a book! What a writer! I'm in love with that novel. It is one hell out of a book! Can't wait to finish it.

There isn't much in mind to share with you. I hope future posts will be much more interesting and story-full.
I might actually start another blog where I'll share articles that I have written. As soon as I can Inshallah.

I miss talking to some of my friends. Hope to catch up soon.




Song of the week: Wake me Up

Advice: Just Smile!


Until next time
Izz

12/MAR/2014
11:20 pm